I have been terribly neglectful ....
the disclaimer I find so many posts beginning lately & I am no exception to this trend.
Anyway, I have been quite busy preparing for my jetsetting-travel-thon.
I am currently in the midst of my trip-- its 1:30am and I am in Vienna, Austria.
I have come from a very notable route:
LA > Boston > New York City//Brooklyn > LA > London > Munich > Salzburg > Vienna and I have another leg left in Budapest > Prague ....
3 w e e k s of this craziness!
1. Boston was my first stop and I got to stay with my beautiful best friend soulmate soul sister Hillary who was a simple deb of a host per usual. We shopped around, made some Buddha Babe pitches, and we're generally fabulous as our somewhat obsessive/excessive instagrams always reflect when we are together. She is just a mystical magical person.... you know when you meet someone you feel like you've known your whole life, or maybe was always with you in past lives or other dimesions or whatever you might believe? Well that's her. I'm so undescribably thankful to have her someone who gets me and accepts me weird cowboy boots and all and can laugh with me cry with me and without her I would be in a ditch somewhere- (unfortunately not a joke).
Hillary also was with my for a really important event. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it but I had such amazing supportive feedback on other posts where I was just honest and straight up about things that we're going on with me that I think its only fair .... if my story can help one person with whatever they're going through its totally worth it....
If you know me or have read posts throughout this year you know that around this time (In four days) it will be one year since I lost my best friend, the person I thought I would always be with who turned out to be someone else completely. This year has been the most intense experience of my life and everyone who's dealt with loss on whatever scale before me has always said it becomes different after one year &so I've really been anticipating 6/18/13.
Dealing with the ashes was a super morbid and vulgar thing to me.... The second I was given them I looked inside which I was told was a very odd response but ashes are very very strange if you think about it.... Very disturbing actually.... they were something I couldn't really deal with and I had them stored far away but they were always close to me eating away at my mind. --(Even just writing that is super weird but its a reality in loss and no one really talks about it. There is no "what to do with your dead fiances ashes" forums or books for dummys (sorry super awkward crude humor but whatever)...)
So anyway I don't really know how to go about any of this because its not a very normal situation on any level so the precedent was not set. I have become a keen improvisor with all of these delicate rituals and decided I needed to make sure they went back into the world before the one year to ease my mind and let me let go as much as possible as that was my goal for the one year- to physically and mentally let go as much as possible to move on into a life where I could help people and start a chain effect of positivity and love because lets face it (in my opinion) thats all there is...
I really thought I would cry or freak out (/maybe have some divine experience withOUT drugs **fingers crossed**) when I went to do this act I've seen so many times in books movies but it wasn't like any of the images I have seen... it was actually profoundly deeply intimate and beautiful. I wore my favorite dress and flowers in my hair and just walked into the river under the bridge that has been so importnat over this whole story the place where he died and let them go just watching them leave my hand and melt into the water was visually poetic and a perfect ending to that piece of this whole thing... It was our last physical second together and finality of that was very heavy but made me so much lighter at the same time if that makes sense...
His mom also sent me all the letters I wrote him when I was away which was amazing that they were all perfectly saved- it was really sweet. A couple of them had these wonderful mini pieces of art on them too so I posted those to share with the world and hopefully change someones day .... I put the rest in the river as they were just for us. The whole thing was short simple and beautiful and I think it was just as he wanted I could feel him there and us letting each other go which is so hard and so generous on both parts... it was time.
I finished up a lot of things in Boston that needed to be taken care of- I don't plan on going there for a long long long time.. I love that city so much- it will always be my first love and my first home away from home... Seeing the memorial to the Boston Marathon attacks was crazy as well - its such an amazingly strong proud and inspiring city that I could not be more grateful to always be a part of... but I really have made peace with leaving and can move on from Boston. I took some shots for Quest with my beautiful model besties Dan and Hill heres a preview of my beautiful loves and my beautiful city....
