Hálás

Today I am hálás...  

this beautiful word means grateful in Hungarian... its the only thing I can identify as truly being today- grateful, thankful- English doesn't really cover it- it doesn't give it the weight it needs- but this word has the heaviness of what I feel- 

something that can not translate into just a word.

 Right now I am 4173 miles from Boston- the place that changed my life, changed me- I'm in Budapest Hungary....I am 22 years, 77 days old....

I am alive.

I have been thinking about what I should say today for a year- should I say anything at all? I decided acknowledgement would be the most respectful and therapeutic solution for today and here is what I need to say. I need to say thank you. 

Thank you to Vail for letting me go, for being my best friend, my companion, my first love, and teaching me so much both in life and after. Thank you for not being who I thought you were because I couldn't have lived through losing him. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for making me laugh, for making me think- for challenging me and making me a more creative and introspective person.  Thank you for giving me all the love you had- I don't doubt that you loved me as much as I thought you did and that is so incredibly beautiful- something many people never experience at all, so thank you. Thank you for those 8 years- almost half of your entire life... for your patience, your peacefulness, and your gentleness. I will always love you and miss you but I know this is what you wanted- you told me yourself- so thank you for your time here and for letting me go.

Thank you to my family for standing by me and protecting me from as much as you could- and most of all for saving me from myself. Thank you to my brother for asking me not to put him through what I was going through- because of you I am still alive. Without all of your love, patience, and kindness I wouldn't be here today, I wouldn't have hope and because of you in so many different ways I am Hope. 

Thank you to my best friend Hillary. You've gone through this before me and helped me in more ways than I could list. You are my soulmate and other half and have lead me through this with more grace and love than I could have ever imagined from anyone. 

Thank you to Daniel my love my best friend my other soul mate... It is so rare you meet someone like you- my family and I have questioned so many times on whether you were real or simply an angle of some kind. You came into my life at the exact moment I needed you and kept me alive, well, laughing, and hopeful throughout the darkness that has been this year. You have loved and supported me and I still am not sure if you are real or if I've imagined you. 

 Alex. My mummy Alex- they asked me who I should call and I couldn't speak but I handed them the phone with your number and you came that day- you cried with me and held me - before and after that say its just what you do. I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you just thank you for everything you've done for me.

Thank you to Casey, always my sister. I've grown up with you- watched you take care of your family in all of this- you are more beautiful than anyone I know and I'm so proud to have you in my life. To Vails family- thank you for always accepting me and loving me- for treating me as your own and understanding what we were. I love you all - you've taught me more than I could describe. Your generosity and wisdom is a true gift- I respect your love of learning and for helping anyone you can- you have been through so much I can not imagine what it feels like - your courage and strength will always be with me, so thank you- for everything. 

To my sisters- 

Mykah, my rock, you literally carried me through so much of this thing- what would I have done with out you? 

Jaclyn- you've saved me so many times I don't know how to ever repay that. You saw us as we were and how we weren't and I love you. 

Jordan, oh Jordan, what you saw- you saw in the darkness- the extreme pain I went through- you were there first hand and for that I am so sorry- the fact we are still sisters is something I am so thankful for even through the horrible nightmare you witnessed you still loved me. 

Jill- my spirit guide- I needed your face to tell me we will figure this out and it would be ok- and thats what I got. I can always depend on you how lucky am I? 

Dana- you've been my best friend since I met you- he loved you so much you saw it all and loved us both dispite everything. You're wonderful and have been there through everything.

My little Talia, you've kept me sane and I know I was given you for a reason, I love you. 

All of my beautiful sisters, I can't thank you for what you've done for me- you checked on me you held me up you got me help and saved me so many times I am so grateful for you all.

My friends, my wonderful amazing friends- Leyna, Natasha, Taryn- I love you so much and am so thankful for your support, your help, and your kindness- you loved me through everything.

Michela, you're the one who saw us from beginning to end- you've always been there. always. Thank you for being the one witness- the only one who knows the whole truth and for always loving both of us. My family friends- you were there when I needed you most and you always are- for that I am beyond lucky. My family my Aunt who held me up and was the first thank you for everything...

To Tommy and Charlie- thank you for being there for him- for putting up with me for years- our craziness and for loving me so much- for taking care of me exactly as he would have wanted. Thank you. 

To everyone who's helped me on my road to recovery- something that saved my life and pulled me out of the darkness I never thought I would survive. To everyone from Sierra Tucson, Veronica- my sister- for your wisdom, Nancy for your heart, Michael for your love, Rob for your listening, Alia for your companionship, Allen for my future, Sophie for your laugh, and everyone there who helped me be me again. To Transcend- to Vern who got me even before she met me. To Paige and Marg for being my best friends- for making me laugh again- to Maddie and Haley for being the litter sisters I never had and teaching me more than you will ever know. To Kim for rivaling my story, giving me perspective, and your beauty and strength. To Kat for inspiring me. To everyone who's helped me get to today. Today I am six months sober and right now that is saving me- who knows about forever I am still just one day at a time and today I am thankful for everyone that's brought me here, for second chances, and for being alive with so much opportunity - I am the luckiest girl in the world and I won't waste this chance so thank you for giving it to me.